Blogs

Zombie Infections: Raising a Society of Murderers?

You have all heard the tale of recent Steven Mills, 7. A resident of a predominantly middle class and Infection Level 0 neighborhood in Clear Lake, Texas. This last May 1, he witnessed his father, Walter Mills, 37, get bitten by a local neighbor’s Shih Tzu poodle. That a Shih Tzu actually gets to the point of biting a person is relatively baffling, but it is only the first part of a tale turned tragic. Later that evening, spurred from the films any boy his age would begin to watch, zombie infestation training movements in public schools nationwide, and a torrent of zombie scares the world over, little Steven crept into the garage, where Walter kept his machete collection. He grabbed the one lowest to the ground that accommodated his height, a varnished wood grip 1965 Colombian Guerilla. Walter, completely unassuming, sat idly at the table waiting for his beef stroganoff, leftover from the night before, to cool from its microwave reheating. Still tending his minor wound, Walter had no idea it would be the last thing he’d see as his son climbed onto the nearby kitchen counter, leapt toward his father, eyes on his neck, and swung with all his might and momentum, successfully decapitating his own father. Reports say that then, standing next to the still sitting upright body of his father, fountains of blood gushing forth from the neck, and oozing a puddle from Walter’s head on the tile floor, Steven held the blade high and chanted a roaring scream, in hopes of mimicking the film that was last found in his bedroom DVD player, Conan the Barbarian.

I ask you, people, have we gone too far?

When is it, that we must train our children to decapitate? What society is it that calls for such measures? Should we not be training our children in ways to protect themselves, in ways to simply seek the uninfected adults who are capable of protecting them? In the latest surveys, it is shown that 87% of all zombie infestations are adults, 3% are animals, and another 3% are newborns in infected adults. The remaining 7% are our children from ages 5 to 17. 7 in 100 children are what we are concerned of. It is clear that, by and large, the American adulthood is innately conscious of its responsibility toward preserving the next generation of survivors. However, what chance do we have of recultivating our society if that next generation is merely one bred to be warriors? And not only warriors, mind you, but warriors with compromised educations.

After the autopsy proving that neither Buttons, the shizu in question, nor Walter himself had any signs of infection and that the attack was likely a byproduct of nurture rather than nature. All Steven could say for himself, face swathed in tears of remorse, was the repeated phrase “I thought I wasn’t safe.”

Look America, I know as well as you all do that these are trying times. A small outbreak Corinth, New York and a quarantine of all of Kansas state has us all scared. Absolutely. But do we need to instill that fear in our children? Do we have to bring them to this? There is fighting to do, but let’s not leave it to our children. We have to remember that the world we’re fighting for is to make it better for them. However, on this path, Steven has proven to us that a nation of infected zombies may be a better bet for survival than to live in a nation of uninfected sociopaths.

Do the right thing, America, and lobby against the zombie defense training bills that were ratified on erroneous emergency circumstances by an erroneous legislature. Take a stand, we know the fight ahead of us, and it’s not one for our children to fight.

And Jesus Christ, who the fuck collects machetes? Seriously.

Tags: infection, machete, Shih Tzu, zombie