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Fashion and Zombie Slaying

You might be wondering, FASHION and zombie slaying? What do these two completely opposite things possibly have in common? Well, they don’t really have anything in common and that’s the point. Take any of the Resident Evil films starring the tough and beautiful Milla Jovovich. In the first film, she wears a tank top dress and shorts with boots. While the dress was provided for her and she did not know what she was getting into, it can be somewhat forgiven. I don’t know, in a house that big and beautiful, I may have at least checked out the closet to see if there was something a little bit more practical.

We will forgive her in this film but in the second film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, she chooses something a bit more practical but it’s a strange mix of clothing. Not sure why the need for the fishnet top and the odd pants with the one leg cut off.

In the third installment, Resident Evil : Extinction , Milla’s outfit makes a little bit more sense except for the thigh hi’s that are secured to her shorts by a garter belt attachment. She also starts the film out with a long trenchcoat cut to make motorcycle riding easier. It’s plain to see that the coat is more aimed towards horseback riding and it seems silly that one would ride a motorcycle with strips of fabric flailing in the wind behind you. They are likely to get caught in the wheel…even if it’s not likely, why take the chance? There is already so much more going against you.

My other target is STARS agent, Jill Valentine. In the film Resident Evil: Apocalypse , she comes home, sees the news about strange happenings, and the first thing she puts on is a mini skirt and a tube top. While I can’t disagree that it looks fantastic on her, is that really practical fighting gear? Would you wear that to a hostage negotiation? Would you wear that for any sort of law enforcement function other than undercover for the Vice Squad? NO. She did have the sense to wear some kick-ass boots, but the rest of the outfit really needed some more thought.

Staying on the subject of Resident Evil , Ada Wong from the video game Resident Evil 4 (available for the GameCube, PS2, and the Wii) is my next target. Again, a beautiful and able woman, fighting hordes of mind-contolled undead, wearing a long, red, high-cut evening gown. Again, she looks fantastic in the outfit, but can one seriously take on men and women with pitchforks, machetes, and even chainsaws wearing this outfit?

Here are some suggestions for good choices for zombie apocalypse fashion:

First of all, remember that those that may have judged your poor fashion may either be dead or undead. So choosing what to wear should be more about practicality and functionality over fashion. Long pants or cargo pants are suggested, military fatigues are a good place to start. You want the material to be durable yet breathable since you don’t know what type of terrain you will encounter nor can you predict the weather. Thermal pants and tops are also good. For the top, layers are suggested. This is so you can remove layers in case of hot weather as well as put more on if it gets colder or even at nightfall. Layers can be especially helpful in case of an attack. While the regular cotton clothing is not bite proof, multiple layers can help prevent superficial scratches and small bites. You will want something to help protect the neck as it is a vulnerable area to attack. A scarf is good, however, you want to make sure that it is tucked in so that it cannot be grabbed by the undead. A hat is optional but can be lifesaving in cold weather since most of your body’s heat escapes from the head. Any comfortable shoes are suggested. Leather boots can be helpful against ankle biting zombies but the break in time for these kinds of boots can be lengthy and painful. Be sure to wear thicker socks and have plenty of band aids on hand. They can also take a lot of time to lace up, so you may need to sleep in your boots. Jackets are also good, but be careful about longer jackets like trench coats. These can be grabbed by the undead as well as get caught in elevator doors or on debris. The jacket should provide warmth and protection and be lightweight.

As we all know, how we wear our hair and other accessories are another way to express ourselves. Well, again, an outbreak is not the time to worry about whether or not your hair is in style. This is more aimed at women and men who prefer to wear their hair long. As with scarves and jacket belt/ties, these provide attackers with a way to grab you and possibly pull you back. Hair is just one more thing for them to latch on to and it will be far more painful for you. It is suggested to wear your hair tightly tied back – although this is a very temporary situation. In the event of an outbreak, the hair should be cut as short as tolerable. Remember, the shorter the hair, the harder it will be to grab. You can opt to shave the head, I suspect that if you have never done so, it may be too awkward at first and be too distracting to you. Plus, hair will help keep your head warm in the cooler months.

Other accessories, like jewelry, should be minimally worn. Any sort of dangly earrings should NOT be worn. During an attack, it is likely that these can be torn right off your ears and while the attackers won’t be able to drag you, the pain of your ripping earlobe could be just enough of a distraction for a swarm of the undead to overtake you. Necklaces should also be avoided but if you do choose to wear one, it should be tucked under your shirt and not be available to groping ghoul hands. Bracelets should also be avoided. While not necessarily a grabbing tool for the undead, a bracelet can get caught on other things which can slow you down at a moment where speed is crucial. Rings are optional but should be limited to bands rather than large stones. If you should find yourself in hand to hand combat with the infected, the ring could do damage to your attacker but can also potentially do damage to you. As we all know, the most common form of transmission is through an open wound. Receiving an open wound during hand to hand combat could seal your fate to roam the Earth with the undead.

These are just a few tips. You can still add some of your own personality and flair, but this will be about survival of the fittest, not survival of the most fashionable. Depending on the type of outbreak and the type of zombie, it is also recommended to wear neutral colored clothing, something that will easily blend into your surroundings. This is where function will prevail over form.

Tags: ada wong, clothing, fashion, films, game, jill valentine, milla, Resident Evil, shoes