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The Zomblog: Who wants to be a zombie?!

Prior to the creation and official launching of zombiewatchnetwork.com I presented a question to my friends, family, and coworkers: “If in the event of a zombie infestation you get bit, would you like me to put a bullet through your head to prevent you from becoming a zombie?” I even went so far as to create facebook and myspace groups called “If I get a zombie bite, Funk gets the shot” which was met with minimal success (twelve members in one and six in the other).

What surprised me the most is that some people had the gall to respond with “What if I want to be a zombie?” or “What if I like being a zombie?” My initial response was to tell them that I would respect that wish, but if they were to come after me it would “be on like Donkey Kong!” While waiting for a friend at a lunch get together today the thought popped into my head again and I realized, “These people are CRAZY! There are no reasons to want to be a zombie…” That being said, there are at least four reasons why you would NOT want get bitten.

First and foremost, the biggest detractor from even wanting to try life as a zombie is the simple fact that you are, for all intents and purposes, brain dead. Therefore, you will not “want” or “like” anything outside of your predisposed craving for brains or flesh. Even more of a turn off, for some people at least, is the lack of thought process one would have. Now that we have that primary reason out of the way we can address other undesirable aspects of being a zombie.

Decomposition. Your life expectancy is incredibly short as a zombie because you started out your second life as an already decomposing body. Let us say that you died at a young age of a natural cause that does not affect the epidermis, skeletal frame, or musculature of your body. You are pretty good looking for a zombie, my friend, but your lack of conscious thought means that you drag your body through water, briar patches, barbed wire, and other perils that could tear the non-regenerative skin or in the very least promote the gangrenous activity that is already present.

Carrion is a real simple concept. Think of the effects of the briar patches and barbed wire and factor in that vultures and vermin are mobile. The perpetual proverbial “barbed wire” that has no better thing to do in life than eat your eyes, tendons and ligaments can now follow you around. Wonderful!

If you feel lonely in your current life, can you imagine what life (or lack of it) will be like when your scent is eau de morte? Or perhaps you have not thought about how it looks when you drag your feet up to that hot little piece of zombie a$$ and as you ask her out in a series of moans and groans only to have your arm fall off mid-groan? Buzzkill!!!

Finally, and possibly the most valid reason, the whole living populace is gunning for you. This is not just people that did not know you in life. Aunt Betty is hunting you with Gusto, the fat little kid from down the block, Matt is sitting on top of his fortified Costco with his sniper, and Kylan and Khal are luring you into the “steamatine” to cut you right in two. You are not just disliked my friend, but despised. And THAT can not be good for your self-esteem.

Tags: justification, reasons, zombie, Zomblog