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Unemployment Highest in 22 Years; Impending Infestation Trivializes Matter

In an entirely pointless endeavor, research shows that unemployment rates have reached a would-be startling 5.5 percent in May. Had the zombie infestation not been at hand for another decade, this would be startling news, speculists say.

With the economy hitting lows that no one bothers to admit, companies are showing their concerns by cutting jobs. As of May, 49,000 have gone into unemployment. Increasing hardship within credit and housing markets are certainly a contributing factor as well.

“Big fuckin’ deal” says Warren Tate, 60, a zombie enthusiast in Wooster, Ohio. “You know how much all these dollars will be worth when your grandma comes at you with a face covered in blood and teeth aimed right for your juicy jugular? ‘Fuckin’ run!’ is what you’ll be saying. Money won’t even cross your goddamned mind.” Tate, having a hint of reddened dried skin beneath his impressively grizzled facial hair, gave an air of maximum credibility.

The nation’s neglect of the illogically high probability of infestation has been shown numerous times over. Most prominent has been in the Presidential Primary Elections, wherein no candidate has so much as skirted the matter.

Some even suspect that companies have more than economic well-being in mind. Tate displayed much verbosity on the matter. “Look, we all joke about companies like Microsoft. Bill Gates is building an army and all that shit. Well it’s likely true and they do a fine job of covering their footprints. Where we’re wrong is in the world conquest bit. It’s not oppression and all, it’s leverage. If Gates’s got an army of robots that can really fuck those zombies up, he can use that to wedge himself into power in this great nation. ‘Course that’s a possibility. Other companies are laying off like silly monkeys in season if you know what I’m talking about. They may well be in it for simple survival, not having the resources and knowledge that a huge fucker like Microsoft would have. I’m pretty sure Panasonic is laying off and using all that would’a been wasted cash on some raw firepower. They’re gonna go head on because really they’re in a position where that’s all they can do. To an extent, this infestation will bring the good human hearts out of these business stiffs. I wouldn’t be shocked if Steve Jobs started lending out some shotguns and ipods preloaded with Anthrax tunes to keep the fight hip. And Warren Buffet will also feel useless and probably make a helicopter gun that shoots helicopters which will be helpful to.”

The other side of the coin is the non-believers. “Fuck zombies and their mothers,” says Aaron Gilmore, 29, of Visalia, CA. “You guys have shit to prove there’s an outbreak coming except a few movies and some animal research labs where they test beer or some shit. I just lost my fuckin’ job, computers are gonna start doing it somehow, and I need to find out how to feed my family. Zombies… you gotta be smoking… tits or some shit to talk like that.”

Only time will surely tell at this point, but the one certainty is that preparation for one worst or another is in order.

Tags: unemployment, zombies