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Research: Edibility of Zombies

In discussions of survival means, myself and my coalition of esteemed colleagues and hookah bar friends have constantly been stumped by the question of sustenance.  The films offer very simple solutions that may not necessarily be viable for everyone.  The entire society will not be so fortunate as to be locked away in a self-contained shopping mall that can support many for at least months.  But even to a logical extreme food courts won’t be stocked to serve thousands daily.  The discussions always come to a certain question.  Can we eat… them?

This question is raised consistently, and just as consistently are the instant detractors.  From “Jesus I’d rather suck a dick” being uttered by lesbian women to one instance of a man vomiting on the hookah.  The general response, though, is extreme doubt that it would even be safe to ingest the rotting flesh of the undead.

There are some variables that deserve consideration, though.  First off, of course this would ostensibly be highly infectious.  That’s something that would go without saying.  The question at hand, though, is one of sterilization.  Everyone knows the concept of cauterization for inanimate objects and simple killing off of bacteria by fire.  Well it seems no stretch to consider that this phenomenon would extend itself to zombie life.  Of course, research will ensue.

To do this, we had to acquire through difficult means zombies in different stages of zombification.  We got a young an exuberantly voracious male zombie, and who appeared to be his grandfather, but we have no real way of confirming that.  He just looked older and markedly more disgusting.  Promptly, we decapitated both zombies.  The mere fact that this finishes off any zombie is proof that while these people, as humans, are dead, their zombie state also has a finite life span.  Would it be no stretch to consider, then, that the zombie virus itself can expire?  With rapid cell growth of any kind ground to a halt, this would seem to no longer be a threat.

The antithesis to this, of course, would be that mad cow disease can infect from the dead as well.  I will not consider that variable until I have considerable evidence of a “mad zombie” or other parallel virus.

So, we continued our research.  We acquired a solid home style hibachi and took a forearm from each.  We sapped them of as much grime as was humanly possible, sanitized them, and then threw them in bags for marinating.  Our intern Willy happened to know a particularly delectable combination of teriyaki sauce and small bell pepper bits.  It had this aroma that was sharp and sweet, like acupuncture to your senses, but I digress.

This is where I take this update on research and pose a bit of a challenge.  As it stands, we have two uncooked forearms of zombies that no one in our labs is willing to taste.  We have taken a sliver of flesh and cooked them deeply and found that, on a microbiological level, there is indeed zero cell activity and no signs of the zombie virus being active.  There were charred embers where there was once even a mere million bacteria.  The one who stands forward will take a risk, no doubt, but we feel it’d be a risk that could help the sustenance of millions following you.  If you survive, then you will have enjoyed what may well be one of the finest cooked arms you ever did taste.  We cannot fully vouch for this, but Willy does seem to be quite deft in the kitchen and the scents drive the temptation within even us to the brink.

In addition, you will be paid for your efforts the value of two thousand American dollars and thirty-two Euros.  Given impending threat levels rising, it’s possible this could serve you little good, so we have other sumptuous compensations in mind as alternatives.  We have nothing better for Willy to do in the meanwhile.