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Un guide à la Survie de Zombie par la Funk: Preparation

It is not so much that I was a Boy Scout that has brought about this as the first chapter. Nor is it the fact that “procrastination is like masturbation; it feels good until you realize that you are fucking yourself.” It is more so that preparing for a zombie infestation is not only something your life depends on, but by doing so now you will live a healthier life all around. And is that not the reason zombiewatchnetwork.com is here…to improve your quality of life?

To begin, we will start with a quick overview of being “prepared.” I am not referring to something as complex as your earthquake kit in your house that consists of two gallons of potable water, a first aid kit, two flash lights with batteries, emergency blankets, a pocket knife, and so on. I am talking about two things that are the most basic instruments of your survival in any given situation: mind and body.

Let us start with the latter: the body. And to begin that portion, a few quotes on the body:

1. “Our own physical body possesses a wisdom which we who inhabit the body lack.  We give it orders which make no sense.”  -Henry Miller
2. “Every man is the builder of a Temple called his ‘body,’ nor can he get off by hammering marble instead.” -Henry David Thoreau
3. “To keep the body in good health is a duty…otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” – Buddha
4. “Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs.” – Aldous Huxley
5. “If the body be feeble, the mind will not be strong.” – Thomas Jefferson

The body is the reason that all animals survive regardless of whether they possess conscious thought or bare instinct. One might make an argument that instinct is a part of the subconscious which, in turn, relates to the mind. I disagree. If someone surprises you, you do not think, “I think I’ll engage some fast-twitch fibers, jerk around, and see what I can see.” No, you swing around (some people arms first) as a self-defense mechanism. It is because of this and other items that will be brought to bare that I state the following, “Your body is the most basic need for any sort of survival and thus must be honed for such occurrences.”

When a zombie infestation occurs the first line of defense is your own immune system. Yes, the cause of the infestation and the way in which the pandemic expands will ultimately be your rise or fall, but when that virus, bacteria, or parasite first hits your body your leukocytes, phagocytes, and lymphocytes will react the same way as they would with any other sort of malevolent microorganism. This being said, your first step to preparing for the impending infestation is to start eating better. Fast food will ultimately not be your downfall and one diet or the next will not prove better than another. Your goal is simple: Eat more fruit and vegetables, particularly citrus and dark fruits/vegetables. Everyone knows the uses of vitamin C and the darker the fruit/vegetable the more antioxidants are present. Antioxidants help destroy “free radicals” which lead to various ailments (cancer being the big one). Other than that you know what you should and should not be eating.

Let us assume that you are one of the small percentage of the population that survives the initial outbreak whether it be due to innate immunity, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, your ability to outrun all zombies or the fact that you wear full-plate mail wherever you go and thus are quite proficient at not getting bit by anything short of Carzilla. Your next physical test will be that of endurance and strength. If you currently go to the gym or work out in any regards you are already a step above the rest because anyone can outrun the zombies of old for little while, but it is he that runs fastest/longest that survives. Also take into account that now there are more than just your classic zombie. Can you out run or strong-arm a rage virus zombie or even just a simple zombie that retains all of its physical characteristics? I will concede the point that by no means should you ever stand face-to-face with a zombie if you have the option, but people get cornered and if you can not throw a zombie off of you then you will get bitten. Once again, we are going to avoid complexity here and give you a general sense of what will help you most to prepare.

First and foremost is running (or other assorted cardio). Running is preferred because what will you be doing when the undead are shuffling after you? Hopefully that sense of urgency will kick in and you will not be walking. Cardio is also the item that will burn the most fat (if you seem to be particularly endowed), which, in turn, leads to you being able to run faster than that other portly survivor in your colony. Secondly, are four exercises that will, for the most part, cover the rest of your body (or at least that portion deemed most needed): the pull-up, the chin-up, the leg lift, and the push-up. Combined these exercises will work your upper body and abs, thus making you a more efficient zombie slayer/survivor/refugee. The proper ways for which to do these activities can be located online at www.menshealth.com or a multitude of other websites.

The final item that plays into your physical health that many people tend to forsake is that of ample sleep. While it is true that one must always been on alert in a zombie-infested world it is also true that a lack of sleep affects one’s reaction time, cognitive thinking, and overall performance. That being said, if you have the luxury of a rotating guard you should use it so that everyone can get a complete eight hours (or whatever is needed for them within reason) worth of sleep. If this amenity is not present then other options may have to suffice such as tree seats, roof tops, or any other completely secure area. Granted, depending on the infestation and zombie type none of these options may be available. The uncertainty of rage virus zombies and adaptive zombies present too many intangible issues that can not all be accounted for.

With the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs fulfilled we come to the next instrument in your survival: the mind. If the infestation consists of the standard classic zombie, then the odds of you surviving with physical traits alone is quite high and a strong mind pushes you up even higher on the food chain. It is the situation in which the rage virus is prevalent that the mind truly begins to shine for suddenly you are not only equal to the zombie, but in most cases the zombie’s physical prowess exceeds your own. What is one to do?

The three forms of thought process that will help the most are problem-solving, improvisation, and critical thinking (in no particular order). Let’s look at a situation: Buff McLargehuge’s colony is running through the Sepulveda pass in Los Angeles, zombies in tow, when he notices Getty Center Dr. Remembering that the Getty Center has only one access point he leads his group up the roadway (critical thinking). The tram at the Getty Center is on a track and the only way up the Center itself (critical thinking continue). When they get to the top of the tramway they have put a safe distance in between them and zombies…for now. How can they fortify themselves (problem solving)? Buff and his company decide that they need to block the tramway somehow (problem solving). They do not really have any sort of material, so they quickly muscle the tram off of the track and make it into a large obstruction (improvisation). As you can clearly see, missing any of the three components may have set the situation askew, but do to the fact that Buff possessed all three a less than desirable situation was avoided.

These three aforementioned skills obviously have their merits in non-crunch time situations so working them regularly is a benefit. For problem solving I recommend daily mental exercise offered by sudoku, crosswords, and other puzzle games that are printed in the newspaper or on those daily tear-away calendars. These will challenge you on a daily basis with ever increasing levels of difficulty. Improvisation is both an easy and hard process to work at the same time. The easy part to it is that fact that you can at any given point in time think about where you are and what you would do. The difficulty, of course, comes in the execution of your plan and the outcome of it. That being said, working it in conjunction with critical thinking is the best way to work both. If you and a friend talk through random scenarios as you walk through your local Target or Chuck E. Cheese you can analyze, criticize and rethink your strategy for each situation. I do realize that training the mental is much harder than that of the physical, but it is just as essential.

Through training the aforementioned areas you will have many of the “intangibles” needed to survive longer than those around you. Sure, being “Omega Man” is not a happy way to live, but someone has to be #1 right?

Tags: Guides, Survival