Articles

Zombie Slaying Battle Cries

“You’re supposed to be setting a good example. Now get back in your coffin immediately!” – Cemetery Man.

What good are words against the mindless undead?  The zeds will only reply with more of the same god-forsaken moaning that makes destroying them that much more satisfying.  Even in the unlikely scenario of intelligent zombies, no eloquence of speech will stay the unquenchable thirst for human flesh inherent to the undead bastards.   There is no reasoning with the unreasonable hunger that drives them.

Despite this, talking to the dead is a valuable tactic that can help boost morale.  Injecting a little humor and bravado into zed warfare will help to take your mind off the ever-present horror and lighten the spirits of your fellow survivors.  When the walking dead blanket the earth, any opportunity to raise spirits must be rigorously exploited, for such chances will likely be slim.

The archetypal cold-blooded zombie slayer might do without the witty repartee, but the rest of us who survive will probably appreciate the humor and balls of mocking death to his face.  With that in mind, here is a short list of recommended Zombie Slaying Battle Cries.  Feel free to add to the list as you wish.

ZOMBIE SLAYING BATTLE CRIES:

For the last time, I don’t want the extended warranty!

Sorry, but I was raised not to hug strangers.

Quit moaning, you big baby.

Shut up and die already!

Didn’t I kill you already?  Oh, my mistake (you all look alike to me…)

You don’t say?  Yeah, my job sucks too, moaning about it won’t help.

You voted for Obama, what did you expect would happen?

You have a summons?  For me?  Alright, here’s something for you too…

This is what happens when the lawyers take over the country!

Wow, like I haven’t heard THAT pickup line before.

I’m flattered, really I am, but I already have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

MOOOO !!!!  Moooooooooo……

You want to eat me?  Fine!  Get in line, asshole!

Damn tourists.

In the name of Chuck Norris, I smite thee!

How could you not smile at the thought of Chuck Norris kicking zombie ass?  Exactly.

-  Scott Black