Anyways, I was thinking, “What if someday I’m perusing my favorite zombie website looking for totally hot chicks (ok, not really that last part) and I get redirected to Vampirewatchnetwork.com?” Or, “What if some were to come up with VWN?”

I suppose that plagiarism is the highest form of flattery because no one is going to do vwn, wwn (werewolf watch network), or fcwn (fat chick watch network) to get a better grade in a class. Furthermore, I doubt anyone would do it because vampire and werewolves are gay and fat chicks are…well, fat. It is conceivable that you may see a “Yankee Watch Network” because the Yankees deserve all the animosity that is thrown there way. Lord knows if I see a Yankee walking down the street I want to crush his skull in. (Brief thought…anyone else notice how this blog is more blog-like than all the others? It’s like diarrhea of the creative mind going on right here!)

Vampires? Fuck’em. “May I come in?” “No, you can’t you pale-faced bitch. I know you and your blood-sucking ways!” Vampires have to be let into your house…zombies don’t give a shit.

Werewolves? Two words: 1.chew 2. toy. Peace out all of my zombie loving fans!

Some might consider spatial awareness to be instinctual and others might consider it to be a tool of the paranoid. I don’t really give a crap what your reasoning is behind it so much as the benefits it actually has for a person. Take my girlfriend for instance. She seems to be particularly lacking in this department because I can be at her apartment the whole day and she could go into the bathroom. If I then go into her kitchen which lies across the hall from her bathroom and she exits said water closet she gets surprised by my presence. “You scared the crap out of me” literally comes up about 1 out of every 3 visits. Spatial awareness.

You might be able to make an argument for her not knowing that I moved from the living to the kitchen, but if I (or most people I know) exit the bathroom and see someone who was in my place prior to using said water closet I am certainly not startled by it. Let’s tie it all in shall we?

Okay…scenario…get ready for it because it’s about to go down:

There’s been a massive zombie pandemic in the world and all organization has fallen into chaos. One night you run out of Funyuns and Mountain Dew during your weekly Dungeons & Dragons game (3.5 of course and yeah, you’d still be playing because people need an escape). Nightblade suggests you go down to the local Super K-Mart to replenish your stock. Now, when you walk in are you gonna be surprised if you look down an aisle and see a zombie? No…spatial awareness.

Scenario 2:

Zombie outbreak happens. You haven’t seen your neighbors in days, but their care is still in their driveway. You decide to check things out at their place…are you surprised to find them as zombies? No. Spatial awareness.

It’s not even the logical situations mentioned above. It goes way beyond that. Do you know where every exit is for when the zombie siege occurs? Are your routes planned out and do you now what’s in the way? It’s all spatial awareness. There’s an alley right there that some super zombie could jump out of so better have your shotgun ready.

Yeah, I honestly believe that most victims in zombies lack the above and ultimately you’ll be zed-head food if you don’t pick up on this as well. Peace out…and what’s in my closet? >.>

Perhaps one of the most interesting words
in the English language today, is the word ZOMBIE.
Out of all of the English words which begin with the letter Z, ZOMBIE is the only word referred to as the “Z” word, it’s the one magical word.
ZOMBIE as most words in the English language,
is derived from German,
the word “ZOMBIE”, which means “to zombie.”
In English, ZOMBIE falls into many grammatical categories.

As a transitive verb, for instance.
John ZOMBIE-ed Shirley.
As an intransitive verb, Shirley ZOMBIES.
It’s meaning’s not always sexual;
it can be used as an adjective, such as
John’s doing all the ZOMBIE-ing work.
As part of an adverb,
Shirley talks too ZOMBIE-ing much.
As an adverb enhancing an adjective,
Shirley is ZOMBIE-ing beautiful.
As a noun, I don’t give a ZOMBIE.
As part of a word abso-ZOMBIE-lutely,
or in-ZOMBIE-credible.
And, as almost every word in the sentence,
ZOMBIE the ZOMBIE-ing ZOMBIES.

As you must realize,
there aren’t too many words
with the versatility of ZOMBIE.
As in these examples describing situations
such as fraud,
I got ZOMBIE-ed at the used car lot.
Dismay, Aw ZOMBIE it.
Trouble, I guess I’m really ZOMBIE-ed now.
Aggression, Don’t ZOMBIE with me buddy.
Difficulty, I don’t understand this ZOMBIE-ing question.
Inquiry, Who the ZOMBIE was that?
Dissatisfaction, I don’t like what the ZOMBIE is going on here.
Incompetence, He’s a ZOMBIE-off.
Dismissal, Why don’t you go outside and play hide-and-go-ZOMBIE yourself?

I’m sure you can think of many more examples.
With all these multi-purpose applications,
how can anyone be offended when you use the word?
We say, use this unique, flexible word more often in your daily speech.
It will identify the quality of your character immediately.
Say it loudly, and proudly!
ZOMBIE you!

Yes…it wasn’t as funny as the original, but just wait until I change “Sit on my Face” by Monty Python to “Bite my face.” ^_^

Swine flu. The pandemic.

Swine flu…the zombie creator?

It’s true my friends. The government doesn’t want you to know, but there is more to this H1N1 than they are telling you. For instance, they have listed the basic symptoms, but they have not gone into detail the transformation that goes on in your body. Let me wisen you up a little to this foul plague.

Phase 1: The symptoms that have been mentioned. Nothing special or unusual. The lucky ones die and then unlucky…well, they progress to the next phase.

Phase 2: Think Phase 1, but now you are consumed by an uncontrollable hunger for pork products. You can’t get enough. Bacon. Ham. Rump roast. Pickled pig’s feet. It’s all fair game as far as you’re concerned.

Phase 3: The transformation begins. If you have ever seen Willow then you know what I am talking about. You slowly and painfully turn into a pig. What does this have to do with zombies you ask? Read on…

Phase 4: You die. Or do you? For you see, shortly after your “death” as a pig you arise again as you guessed it: A PARTICULAR PORTLY PASSED ON PIECE OF PIG!!!!

I’m sure you are now wondering why on Earth would people turn into zombie pigs? There are three very simple reasons for this government conspiracy:

1. Zombie pigs don’t need sustenance. You put a bullet in it’s head and slice it for bacon.

2. A fix for overpopulation.

3. It’s green. You’re recycling “human pigs” by feeding them to humans.

It’s true my friends…it’s true. So stay away from that bacon for it may be your Aunt Myrtle, Cousin Ferdinand, or best friend Leroy Jenkins!

After all, you may be jobless right? At worst, your house is up for foreclosure and the bills are late when the infestation begins, right? Fear not my friends for presented today in technicolor is “ZOMBIE ECONOMICS 101″ (said in a booming theater voice and no, it will not be in technicolor).

First off, please pull out your wallet, money clip, or purse and look inside. See that one dollar bill? Well, little did you know that your single one dollar bill is worth just as much as that fat knot of cash in Mr. CEO’s wallet…faith.

We have reached a point in the human existence in which the dollar bill in the United States is no longer backed by a giant stash of gold in Fort Knox because we are willing to believe it. Is that to say that there is not a huge treasure trove of gold in Fort Knox? I cannot confirm it, but it is probably there just in case at some point we need to back the dollar up with something tangible. Regardless, there is not enough there to back-up every dollar accounted for should some other nation dub our currency made of paper and cotton useless.

If at this point you have decided, “What is up with this tool? If he wants to give me all this ‘useless cash’ in his wallet he can do it any time he wants.” To that I say, “Slow your roll, homefry.” (That’s right, I just called you “homefry.”) At this point in time enough people believe the dollar is worth something so don’t go all post-WW Germany on us and use it to start up your stove. My point is this: During a worldwide catastrophe no one is gonna care if how much you have to your name or if that gun you’re carrying was actually paid for.

Am I encouraging looting? Not yet.

Here’s my three step plan on procuring goods when the zombie infestation begins and the reasoning behind it. Before I start I feel the need to mention that your purchases should be on items with bartering value once the world’s economy collapses (guns, ammo, non-perishables, hard metals). Gold is dandy, but unless you’re going to dress up a zombie once you’ve killed it, stuff it as a trophy and give it some bling “precious” metals ain’t so precious.

1. Spend cash on supplies – It’ll be worthless once there is no one to take it in, so use it before it depreciates and you must roll with the good old concept of bartering.

2. Use credit cards on supplies – So your APR is at 20%…who’s going to collect it when all the zombies are munching on the bill collector’s brains? And the store owner, assuming electricity is still up and can process the card, won’t know until it’s too late that the company won’t be sending him his share. Poor guy done got duped!

3. Scavenge…for others’ credit cards – That’s right…I said it. Mr. Jones is a zombie. He doesn’t need that wallet or its contents. Nuff said.

Will this work? I don’t know. Seems good enough for right now though. lol

My initial plan for when the Zompocalypse came was to meet my buddy at the airport with our weaponry, fly to Catalina (island off the coast of California), eradicate the threat there and put a good distance of water between us and the dead. Even if the zombies can walk under water you figure that fish and scavengers would pick them apart and we would probably crash on a houseboat until we knew we were safe. Things change. I no longer talk to this person for various reasons and thus “the contingency” becomes “the plan.” So what happens now?

Very simple. Costco and the giant steel doors with my other buddy Matt. He has a plan that has always seemed about as perfect as anything else and the only real difference is that we will be safer sooner with more food and on the mainland. Things change and now I need a new contingency…

Should I cook up a plan with April and Norm even though they live quite the distance away (in terms of Zompocalypse distance)? Maybe I should just draw up some plans for the defense of my neighborhood? After all, I figure about twenty houses on my block, two-sided, equaling forty houses with adjacent fencing creates many places to fall back to in case one fortification collapses. Also the likelihood of actual structural damage at the initial onset of the virus is low and even post infection is small depending on the type of zombies you are facing. Besides, shouldn’t a contingency plan be simple?

(Sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On my first day infected, my zed head gave to me

Guaranteed taxidermy…

On my second day infected, my zed head gave to me

Two red rashes and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my third day infected, my zed head gave to me

Three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my fourth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my fifth day infected, my zed head gave to me

FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my sixth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my seventh day infected, my zed head gave to me

Seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my eighth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Eight fingers falling, seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my ninth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Nine ladies screaming, eight fingers falling, seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my tenth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Ten slayers slaying, Nine ladies screaming, eight fingers falling, seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my eleventh day infected, my zed head gave to me

Eleven colonies collapsing, ten slayers slaying, Nine ladies screaming, eight fingers falling, seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

On my twelfth day infected, my zed head gave to me

Twelve planets lifeless, eleven colonies collapsing, ten slayers slaying, Nine ladies screaming, eight fingers falling, seven festering so-ores, six zombies moaning, FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE OOOOOOOOZING WOOOOOUNDS! Four carrion birds, three bite marks, two red rashes, and a guaranteed taxidermy…

(I know…not everyone agrees with the twelve planets in the solar system thing, but it was the best I could do…)  Fan submissions are welcome and I’ll try to get more up later.

In an effort to keep content going up I had planned to post something every Friday.  I figured that if I gave myself a deadline to keep the world updated on zombies I’d be more diligent in my work.  Obviously, this past Friday was an epic failure at life.  Let’s look at the days surrounding Friday to see what happened:

Thursday:  I worked and had church choir, but the whole time I was thinking, “Ok, tomorrow I don’t work until 1pm so I have four hours in the morning to post something.  CAKEWALK!!!

(Fast forward to Saturday)

Saturday morning: …………DAMMIT!!!!! How did I forget to post something Friday morning?!

So, it may not be that amusing, but I find it interesting that the thought passes through my mind to make a post EVERY DAY except for the day I am actually supposed to.  What the hell?!  I certainly hope that when the apocalypse comes I’m not sitting there Thursday night (or whatever night since we may lose track of time) thinking, “Ok, tomorrow I need to reinforce the large steel door on this Costco to keep the zeds out” and then forget to leading to the eradication of my colony.  UNACCEPTABLE!!!

Perhaps I’ll start using Outlook reminders to remember to shore up that steel door…oh…and post…yes, of course…post!  >.<

Sen. Art Torres (ret.)
Chairman, California Democratic Party
P.S. If you want to see a copy of what we’re handing out, you can download a PDF by going to http://www.cadem.org/walker.